I am black

When I first took a bus in America, black young people went to sit close to me. I just realized that those people probably had grand-parents who have been slaved. I felt so strange because I have taken busses in other countries, see many people of many different colors, and I never felt that before. I was not shame, I was not sorry, I was not sad either, but I felt that something was changing me inside.

I use to say that I am a Métis, because I have travelled in very poor corners of the world where I lived with the people and where some of them have adopted me. I slept on the ground, eat rice all the day, and had those wonderful times walking bare foot on the silent rice lands. My heart has been captured by the earth, the mountains, the lakes, the rivers, the winds, the storms. I love storms in the mountain, so strong and so powerful. It sounds to me like a music that bits inside and arise me. I was once in a very quiet place when an earthquake happened, and I could feel it under my feet, hear it as if the ground would open. I was frighten and I was fascinated. There is something inside that is wild, that love feeling that freedom being on Earth. What a wonderful planet !

I never realized I was black before I went to America. I am a white black chocolate something people. I can be very red also when the sun cooks me. I am the kind of person that compassionate. Well, some black people don't.

I am an alien who asked asylum to the United-States because I have been enslaved in my own country. Enslaved because I met the wrong people, because of political ideas, my perception of the religion, my gender, and the disorder that my gender may cause when it comes to innovative ideas. I have been threaten to death and my arrival in the United-States was the first time I could sit and think since 20 years. If I count, there have been about 12 attempts to my life, and each time they could not reach their goals, they enslaved me with money. Sabotage, destructions, they also comit attacks against my friends and family. They ostracized me. Their main fear was me coming to America and working in America. I literally had to escape my country.

"They" are the people I talk in my blog, underground connected each other to make a parallel business and politics with that of other countries. They are powerful and have a spirit for murdering. They buy the people by enslavering them, they sell the people by forcing them and they also can make exchanges. This is a kind of trade that I believe, is causing many disorders. Social disorders, economical disorders, religion disorders, trade disorders, etc... I would not say "who" "they" are but the people who read me know.

I have been enslaved with many means that I have already filled in my asylum file. I would not say more about that, not publicly, but I could talk of being a slave, that kind of modern slavery. You are not guilty, you did nothing to deserve that, but some people consider that you may be useful. They don't want to pay you, they don't want to let you free to speak, to think and have opinion. They want you be their property like a kind of object. Then you become an animal.

Once, the enslavery had been very bad, I was living poor, very poor. Christmas was coming, people were having feast, and then I realized that the cat of my parents could eat better than me. Here comes the time when you see your own condition as a slave, you are no more a people, the psychology breaks you down, you don't even want to be a people, you don't want to imagine that there would be any right or any reason to explain this. Somehow, the faith protects you saying "you are an animal, be an animal and stay human. They who are the real monsters".

Being a slave is so different than being a poor. When poor, you can encompass the idea becoming rich with your work, your ideas, your creativity, your talent. You can work hard, and you can escape your misery with the willing to change your life. I have experienced this kind of escape many times, but the feeling being a slave finally comes when, whatever you do, you cannot really escape because each time you reach a step, they break you down. They robe my name, my work, I had to change my vocation. They made sabotages, and many attempts to kill me with a way or another. Car accidents which are the common way, hijacks, oven explosion, blood suddenly becoming black as Chinese ink, really bad intoxications, direct threat of death, "we will kill you". People I met who probably were asked to do it face to face and who could not find the good opportunity. They had the poisons, the place to bury me, but I have become very cautious with "friends", I never let them the time.

There is a time you enslave yourself, because you do it better than anyone else. You listen some music, you open a blog, have a pen, a book and draw. I have resisted the temptation to die and I have resisted the temptation to live also. I am a neutral wild animal with a human soul. I have been hunted, I still be hunted, but I could run faster. I have become a running animal and now, in America, I am learning to sit.

I have experienced the life on many ways and I have learnt a lot, enough to escape. I won't go back to my country, the last threats were very bad and very big. I want to trust in America, and I want to make those fucking bastards (Patton language) feel what's it to fight someone who feels to be an American. I may be black, I may be white, I may be any other color, I am here and I am free now. If America ask me to leave, then I will go fishing, buy a boat, stay neutral offshore.

I have been enslaved and then I became a slave, only then when you no more believe to be free. I saw a film once, a girl who becomes a wolf when feeling the fear. She had psychology medication, but the doctor wanted to take advantage of her. She felt threaten and became a wolf, and the doctor was frighten. This film saved my life, because then I realized that if life was not free, it would have a price, a real good price and I worked very hard to make the price heavy. I did not fight against them. I could not fight against them. I brought them to play with me.

I remembered once another film called "Man Hunt", when the human prey becomes the hunter. The peaceful man was not a hunter, he would never had hunt, but becoming a prey he had to survive. He started to think and use his human ability for the best. He made tricks and skipped the game. The hunter became the one hunted. The human prey did not kill the hunter, but cached him and make him think, feel the shame, feel his own weakness.

When you are human, educated, innovative and alive, you cannot resign being a slave. You cannot resign also not being that wild animal inside. You cannot resign being yourself with your own identity. I knew I could not have a normal life, because each time I tried, they broke me down or tried to take advantage on me to reach the final goal of death. So I played, with my imagination, my ideas, try to find a way so that they could not ostracized me. Economical means were the game, patenting ideas, playing with money, followers who would buy patents for me. Money was a mean to ostracize me, I used it like a poker player would. I knew who they were after the past two years while before I did not know. I did not really know before coming in America, I could not cross the dates and the facts, I was still inside the fight of survival. Then I sat, then I breath and I knew. I have a clear idea now and the reasons are crazy. As crazy as those people are, very dark, very bad, very dangerous.

I feel secured in America, but I have learnt to never feel too secure, and I guess that I have now the habit of a wild cat living in a world that was not made for him. Lastly, I don't complain, I gave up complaining a long time ago. I feel like Patton after the first bomb, you do not fear them anymore. You won't give those bastards the fucking pleasure having fears. Well, I have fears, but I have learnt to live with them. They are my friends, they protect me, and that's good to know that having fears, you no more fear that they may surprise. You just feel prepared to use them properly, strongly and on purpose. Fight back is my word but always leave a chance to your enemy making the peace.

Making the peace is not easy as long as you do not have learnt to make it, and I guess that the many years slavery brought me to learn how and when. Maybe as much as the black people in the bus. There is a time to say when slavery means something and there is a time of peace. Peace is for prayer, say thank you and profit. Take the big breath every day, see the life, how wonderful it still mean to me.

I have lived once in a home I could not open the shutters. I was living in the dark inside the house but I could go in the courtyard where there was some little light. And the light was brighter. I started to sculpt and paint, and like Vermeer was leaving in a cave before painting, I made every walk outside brightful. I had to protect my life, and I gave it a sense. Vermeer could not see the sky from outside. When living a long time without the light in a cave, he could see the real colors of the clouds, the greys, the blues, the oranges and the whites. He decided to shake his soul and I made survival a shaker, something spicy for my bests drinks. I could be a bar tender of life, or a cook. Spirits are my best flavors.

I accepted my own fate, what brought me closer to God, farther to any religion. I have been baptized and wanted once to be a priest, but my travels changed me. I still be monotheist, real monotheist with no other God than God. I still have my Christian education but I have learnt tolerance and I felt once that I could not be tolerant being a Christian. Christian architecture is a matter I like, Christian art, rather less, but the Christian books are sometimes interesting, I feel learning history reading them. I guess that faith made me less slave because choosing to think different brought me that freedom I did not have. I could criticize Christian in many ways, but I could not criticize feeling free and still be able to go inside a church after having told all I had to say.

Also I felt different, I always felt building a church. I would have made it peaceful for everybody. Once, the dean of a very big Islamic School went to Paris for a meeting with French researchers. They were big researchers, so big that they would not care of the lost Muslim dean and it was his first time to Paris. He felt lost. The man used to help me have visas when travelling Muslim countries, so I helped him back on his arrival. He visited Paris, and I brought him to the Sacré Coeur. He made the cross sign with the water and he liked the church.

I want to make this kind of church, where the lambs from Muslim countries can feel at home, learn different thoughts and maybe change, if not religion, at least habits. Learn have respect for women, learn to be tolerant, learn charity, pardon, and respect. They would have to respect God above all and show their respect to his creation, the many people in the World and the many other religions. My church would have sculptures of Buddha, Muhammad , Moses, and maybe some very remarkable spirits that people hear inside their heart, to make the good and build the peace on Earth. I would make every human being willing to become a Saint. Not a martyr, not a jihadist nor any other dumb bastard.

I would not need the people to be poor, I would only need them to be good. To escape from my country, I pretended a conference in the United-States. I could have save some money, change the money with dollars and fly. I never felt flying so high. The conference was about ethnography and this is a subject I quite know. I was supposed to make an exposé and a poster. About 3 people went to the exposé, but that was enough to escape. I made the exposé about the mind, "to mind", what it was about.

I did not became a slave "unfortunately" but because I had a kind of mind that probably disturbed some people. I have been a writer and a drawer, and that probably brought me troubles. Twenty years troubles because some people probably bough my head against some kind of products. Give me her head I give you sugar, those kind of dealings. Some people in my country would do it very easily because they are those kind of people. Anyway, "to mind" is when an extraordinary situation brings you to think by yourself, whatever the orders are.

Once I was in an IDP camp, people had no drinkable water, children were sick, mothers too and the food program did not deliver what a child really need to grow. I have "mind" and I broke the line to not obey, do something that was not my job, and bring some water. Well, I did not disobey too, but it was not my job and some people felt it as disobedience. It was not my job, I made it with my own money, my salary actually, but I was please and that brought me joy to be that kind of wild animal. "To mind" is something I would teach in my church.

In Christian churches, the priests preach while I would rather teach, give lessons, practice, experience and also exams. One of my project is to invite rather wealthy people to have picnics with homeless people. When I worked on the IDP camp, the Imam told me once that humanitarian usually come, bring the food and leave, while I packed my belongings and went to live and eat with them. I used to buy food that the people could not afford. Well, that was the good time, when I had some salary. The Iman told me, "you see, people usually never come to eat with us". Once, two little black boys about age nine were asking for money in the streets of Paris. They said they were starving so I offered to bring them to MacDonald. They went back to their mum after the lunch and I guess that "starving" made sense to them.

Giving food and eating with the people, that's something to do. In Singapore, there is a very large land where people come to eat together. There are large and long tables, you sit anywhere with the people. You can come alone or with friends, whatever, you meet people, talk with them, it's cheap, there are all kind of peoples, rich, poor, very poor, middle class, and you learn to have diner and talk with them. I feel it very wealthy for the mind, and you cannot experience a dinner in this place without being changed somehow. In my church, once a week, instead of long preaches, I would make dinners where people talk, and learn each other. I would not give food to the poors, I would make dinner with them.

When I left my country, I wanted to go to Vegas. People usually know Vegas as the "sin city". I told my friends "that's a spiritual experience" what made them laugh and actually, I really meant it to make it a spiritual experience. Someone said, "if you can go to Vegas without gamble, then you become a Christian". Vegas is not only about gambling and there are dozens of other beautiful things to do.

Anyone who wants to be good, want to make good and raise his faith, noone needs a good or a bad place for that. He just has to be close to God. I love Vegas, I love the people of Vegas, there is everything best in the all world here. People are smiley, they are happy, they are kind, you don't need to be rich to feel rich and they are really welcoming. The city is in the desert and that's a wonderful city with a beautiful landscape. Someone who want to learn life can make it all in Vegas. My first lesson was "knowing when to stop". Gambling must be a pleasure like playing football, but you should not play more than reasonable. You have to learn the limits, and I like it, because that's life.

In my country, I have reached my own limits. I have gambled with innovations and I made my game to survive and understand what was really going on. I have learnt, I have seen their cards, I know their game and the way they play. If not giving up the game I would have died, because they would have reached the goal to kill me, or lastly because I would have killed myself, find any way to escape the game. I was lucky, I had a good spirit in my mind who was strong enough to bring me in Vegas, make me taste and praise the life. This was a spiritual experience and this is still a spiritual experience. I feel the love and I am happy here. I hope to never have to leave.

My first book in Vegas was "Homeless in Las Vegas, stories from the street" of Kurt Borchard bought in the gambling bookshop. I am still reading it actually because I spent more time writing than reading since I arrived. I am now page 57 and I really recommend it. This is a story of life, how people loose, how people hope and how they arrive in Vegas where food, water, and sits are free. This is also a story of the relation between poor and wealthy people, the way they see each other. The way life makes its own rules with the routine but comfortable routine of life.

Maybe once, I will be able to learn how to stand and how to walk as a real person. I will be able to sit in a bus and no more think about slavery. I will be able to hope and forget about the fears. I will be able to live without knowing every day that this day maybe the last. I will be able to die in peace, rest in peace and have my last home wealthy and beautiful. Maybe once I will be able to forget that other country and make America my own, be an American and live like an American. I have been an American for so many years before.

#Meditation #Memorial